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I know this is crazy but...
09-29-2015, 09:16 PM
Post: #31
RE: I know this is crazy but...
(09-29-2015 07:20 PM)Itheblaze Wrote:  FL, did your Mother start hating you because she thought you were a bewitched or cursed child or something? Did she think you caused or helped cause these death somehow? Was she overly religious or something? What a nightmare!
I don't know, I posted on it before several times but I remember her telling me that when I was little{toddler} and would go to the stairs that went nowhere{2 houses had this-blocked off in remodels}. I would just sit in there quietly, I wouldn't answer if called. I know that I unnerved my mother and maternal grandmother doing so. The specific event where she refused to watch me anymore came from a public pool I think I was 6 going on 7. I was/am a very good swimmer, I especially love swimming underwater{opposite my brother who refused to get his head wet due to a incidence around that time-he had been at a friends house horseplaying by the pool and was tripped up on a hose that was on the deck, he ended up in the pool slightly tangled in the hose. He got out quickly and surfaced, I don't think he even swallowed any water. But even jumping off a diving board he refuses to let his head under}. I ended up swimming underwater and decided to just sit on the bottom{I have very good lungs-been manually blowing up those long balloons for twist animals since I was 4/5-I kept loosing the pump, or my mother would hide it since she hated the noise, I learned to blow them up myself so I could make the noise}. In the meantime my grandmother left with the task of watching us realized she hadn't seen me for some time. At that point she had some concern for me with my brothers incident still fresh. She had the lifeguard clear the pool to check for a body I guess? There I was sitting on the bottom, I watched the people get out and realize that I was pretty much the only one in the pool so I shot up from the bottom to get to the surface. The lifeguard was in the pool to get me though I was fine. My grandmother however was quite mad. I was perfectly fine, I guess I was under awhile for everything to have happened as it did. ,;,shrugs,;,
She never directly said she blamed me, and I know I mentioned more recently but when her father died in some ways something snapped. I attribute part of it to I cried before he died but not after, I had already mourned knowing he would not come out of his surgery{they were doing open heart using some artery from his leg to fix it-surgery was successful but he came out a vegetable. I told him and really anyone who would pay me mind that he would not wake up, specificly those words}. I don't think its a day I will ever forget down in Florida in a that crappy Ramada Inn on the bed by the window sun warm on my back it wasn't long after breakfast. My brother was beside me, my half sister on the cot by the wall, my dad sitting at the table near the door/close to my mother. She was standing as she made the announcement, I know my brother and sister were crying but I didn't have any tears. Despite her grief she realized this and started yelling{mostly at me} I don't think my dad knew what do do/say{he too had a bad feeling and warned my mothers father to hold off on the surgery-it was needed but not critical at that time. My grandfather replied that he hoped he just had a few more years left to take care of the old lady{his wife}.} Mother banned all holidays that day, she told us there would be no more holidays, no thanksgiving, no Christmas, no Easter{which is the day he died}. By that point she had come to be in front of my brother and I practically screaming.
And we didn't, not until my half sister had a kid. When I asked why we now were having holidays again she told me "that {insert nieces name} shouldn't be deprived". Quite funny considering she saw fit to do it to her own kids. I know my dad was always pissed she did that but she had said it so quick he wasn't able to stop her. He got her out of the room after that but damage was done.

The only time my mother ever went to religion was if something was wrong. I always felt sorry my Dad ended up with her; he deserved far better, but he never talked ill of her infront of us kids till we were both over 18 and it was slow going. He told me he did it so we would never be against our mother for something he said. I think it was when I was 20 he sat my brother and I down very seriously and asked would we think bad of him if he divorced our mother. My brother and I both stated promptly that we wondered why he hadn't years ago. He was so fearful we would be upset. I feel all this is important to the next part of the story.
My father wasn't there for my grandfathers funeral. We were to be in Florida a week{it became two}, my dad had brought alot of cash but also a credit card{1994 so people relied more on cash}. He went to extend the car rental {we took the train-Amtrak down} but the card declined, he paid cash and had to return home to pick up his check{no direct deposit then} to wire my mother money and sort why the card was maxed out. Which was also a pain because we had to get the tickets {his early return and our later departure set up at the station as no expedia back then}. My mother was pissed that he wasn't there to support her.

Years later I learned why my dad couldn't be there, funny enough it was my mothers fault. She had racked up charges on the phone bill she had met some people online I forget what state the one guy lived in{Im sure my dad remembers} but she had been making long distance calls to this other guy and maxed the card.
Funeral was relatively uneventful, I remember someone breathing very heavy at the viewing, I thought momentarily maybe my grandfather was still breathing{first dead body, we were kept from my fathers mothers viewing, the casket was closed when we were in the cemetery on my fathers wishes}. My mother gave me some crap about how princesses would kiss kings goodbye before they were burried. I don't remember ever being kissed by my grandfather{then or now}, and I refused to kiss a dead body. Bright note I discovered munster cheese and a few others{my mother only ever bought American cheese-which I hate} at the wake. I realize that's a messed up observation but I was always taught to cheer up because things could be worse{by my dad}. And the only good thing out of that trip was cheese.

Sorry if this is hard to follow, but the pieces I added were to keep things in some order.
Other note my brother once remarked that between our two parents at least we have one normal one. I think all things considered I grew up a pretty balanced person ,;,shrugs,;,

"Studies Show...Intelligent girls are more depressed, because they know what the world is really like.....She knows in society she's either a Devil or an Angel with no in between. She speaks in the third person, so that she can forget that she's me." ~Emily Autumn
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09-29-2015, 09:44 PM
Post: #32
RE: I know this is crazy but...
I didn't exactly have the best family either, though I had far more friends die then family members, most of my family members were dead before I even opened my eyes for the first time, so I guess that's no real surprise. However, I cant help feeling that I could have been in a situation like that had I not been careful not to let anything on. When I was young I was certainly different, but I suppose I have always been the quiet type, and wouldn't tell them about any of the "monsters" that scared me, or why I was hugging my dog so much because I knew I was going to wake up to see her blood everywhere tomorrow (she had a very bad form of tongue cancer that we knew she had from birth, and got her just so she could live a full happy life) but, they never really asked either, I was lucky that they weren't really interested in me in some ways, it helped to keep my secrets when I was young. People at school were far more insightful, and its not abnormal, even now, for no-one to sit near me for the whole semester, or say two words unless the class happened to have a group project, in which case, such a thing was unavoidable. For a long time I had no idea why they acted that way, the way they avoided my gaze, its almost as if I was a ghost, which is a bit funny to me considering everything! My friends have really only been online due to this actually, which I don't mind much really, they seem nicer than anyone I overheard talking in real life. Given everything, I guess that I am still lucky that I could slide through relatively unharmed from my family, though there have been more physical fights between and my parents, and more hours wandering the streets without shoes then I would like to admit, I feel that this is more on them then it is on me though, they're not always the most stable, or sober.
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09-30-2015, 12:58 PM
Post: #33
RE: I know this is crazy but...
For Stiches... I think your friend that hung himself also got collected or he would have visited you after he died. FL, it doesn't sound like any of the family on your Mother's side liked you very much. Did they like your Dad at all? Do you look more like your Father?
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09-30-2015, 03:39 PM
Post: #34
RE: I know this is crazy but...
well he actually did visit me, quite a lot for a while, but not immediately, he started appearing in little bursts about 2 years after the incident. I have no idea why he did this, but he would try to disappear as soon as I looked in his direction so I ended up questioning if he was there at all, but sometimes he was too slow and I saw him for sure. I tried to talk to him but he didn't respond at all to it, eventually he stopped after a while, never knew why he was visiting, maybe I never will.
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09-30-2015, 09:03 PM
Post: #35
RE: I know this is crazy but...
Stitch,
I can't really say I was afraid of "the monsters" as a kid, day to day I was fine there were only a few times something bothered me that I couldn't sleep. But maybe that's related to my personality? I have always had a strong personality and in many ways worn my heart on my sleeve. The only compliment my mother ever gave me{and she didn't mean it as one} "Out of all 3 kids you are the only one that ever had the balls to stand against me.", I was never one to back down. At school the weaker kids flocked around me at recess and other less supervised activities. They didn't come to talk they left me alone, but by being near me the bullies left them alone. Because I unnerved other kids they would pick on me. My father taught me words are words, but if they start a physical fight-end it. Maybe not the best advice to give your little girl but I followed it and never lost a fight. I never told the other kids to come to me and I would protect them. I really didn't make friends until middleschool. But still even as the weird kid something about me made them feel safe. By weird in class I would often draw in on myself I got good enough that the teachers worried I was catatonic at times, my mind was usually more interesting then the lesson to me.
People either love me or hate me, there is no middle ground. Anymore its more love then hate, I think in part because Ive learn to balance out my energies. And as messed up as my upbringing was I know I could have had it far worse, my one friends mother makes mine look like Mother Teresa.

I feel for you completely on your doggie. I was different, I tried to get my mother to take several of our cats to the vet when I sensed them getting sick but she never did. When I was older I secured internship of a sort at a local vet office. I cleaned up for them and they would help me care for my cats. While "working" there I got my babies, two kittens{the other two died- one was too small never took a breath, the others lungs were not formed enough it only lived a few days} that survived being aborted{someone brought their "fat" cat in to be fixed}. I bottle fed them, named them Oliver and Bridget. One of the greatest acts of spite my mother did in my eyes was "Giving" Oliver away one day when I was at school. She would have gotten Bridget too but she was always very small and hid. Obviously when I got home that didn't go over well. But I think my words to her that day sunk in because she kept away from Bridget. She lived a good life with me, she died last year before my birthday. I cried for days before and months after, writing this has brought them back. My mother also died last year, yet I had no tears for her. But I don't think that's wrong of me. When Bridget died my dad summed it well "She was your buddy, your confidant, your friend, your baby." How my father can see how much I love and my compassion yet my mother never did is beyond me.

Blaze,
I was never aware of anything wrong with my father from her families opinion. My mother married up from her first husband who to this day hasn't bothered doing anything for his daughter. Actually Im shocked he is still alive, several years ago he was in hospital because his liver was failing because he drinks so much. Drunk driving was a family affair for him, he has/had? 3 brothers, at some point they on separate occasions all hit the same tree drunk driving. I have no idea what his profession was but once my mother took us up so my half sister could visit her grandmother and his place was very shabby and in general gross.

When I was little my dad often worked 2 or 3 jobs to make sure us kids were cared for money wise. My mother didn't have to work{and didn't}. A related memory is of after my paternal grandmother had her stroke{a time a few months before she died}. My father had two jobs I think then I know he was working 70-80hr weeks. He would get home to go to bed I learned later, my mother would be in bed. My grandmother would call during the night that she needed something{bedpan, more water, basic need stuff}. She would try not to call though because my mother would tell my father she was tired of taking care of his mother and he should do it. So my father would get back up to go take care of his mother after working doubles. This was a nightly affair. In the morning he would feed her breakfast{she couldn't feed herself because of the stroke}, if he came home early enough he fed her dinner.
What makes it messed up is during the day my dad had hired a sort of home care nurse{check vitals and basic needs} who was still in school. It was somehow worked out that she would help with us kids some, I think partially due to my father allowed the nurse to bring her daughter when she came to work{our home}. So basically my mother had a few hours a day that she had to help with my grandmother or us kids and did what ever she pleased the rest of the day.
We eventually had a different nurse for my grandmother because of a incident. The Nurses kid and I were playing upstairs{we were suppose to stay downstairs but we were 6{me} & 5}. The Nurse called and we ran for the stairs so we wouldn't get in trouble. She was going down first, only problem was that her shoe was untied. I tried to grab her but I was too far behind and she went down half a flight of steps. Being 5 she started wailing like noones business, I continued down the steps to help her only got down a few before our mothers were both there. I explained to my mother what happened but she started in that I was lying that I must have pushed the daughter intentionally{what motivation I would have had for this in her mind I don't know}. She started yelling at me about how I could do such a evil thing to such a sweet little girl. I just shut up because I knew there was no winning, I cried because I had liked the Nurse and her daughter and now she was glancing at me like I was scum because what my mother was saying. I know all this sounds like a bad memory but it was a good one. The Nurses daughter heard all this and despite her tumble and being only 5 she got up from the couch where her mom had taken her; stood before my mother and told her off. She told them I didn't push her that she fell, that I did nothing wrong and my mother shouldn't yell at me. It was the first time outside my brother or father I had a true friend. My mother tried to make it like the girl must have tried covering for her because I scared her. But the daughter held her guns and the Nurse said her daughter would not lie about it. The Nurses daughter was ok{little bruised but otherwise unharmed} but after that I wasn't allowed to play with her because of my mother. The nurse quit, I am not sure if it was because of me or my mother that she did. The next nurse didn't have a kid, I avoid her thinking that was best.
{I guess this memory goes back to your early question I thought about it, she may have thought I was cursed or evil. I still feel it makes no difference, I wasn't the evil one.}

My brother and I share the same dad, we looked very much like each other as children{now we look nothing alike}. My mother and her family always loved him. Which in ways was messed up, he wasn't a planned kid and he was loved. I was planned, but once born only my fathers family wanted me. His mother loved my brother and I as much as possible. Even after her death I felt her around keeping watch of me. My dad comments alot that she would have been amazed to see me as an adult as I bear a striking resemblance to my great-grandmother{My paternal grandmothers mother}. I look like my fathers family and I have his eyes, my brother kinda looks like the mailman{family joke}. I will admit some of it may have been tied to the fact my mother and my paternal grandmother didn't get along well. But I can't see that accounting for much of it. In the 16 year after my paternal grandmothers death having to live with my mother, and deal with her crap still after becoming an adult and my brother{he never understood the things that happened and he never would pick a side}and dad{despite all she did, he did love her}. still feeling sorry for her so they let her move back in one last time{I was flying the day she left for good}. I can't see that being enough, that anything I ever did as a small child was enough.

"Studies Show...Intelligent girls are more depressed, because they know what the world is really like.....She knows in society she's either a Devil or an Angel with no in between. She speaks in the third person, so that she can forget that she's me." ~Emily Autumn
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10-01-2015, 02:57 AM
Post: #36
RE: I know this is crazy but...
I lol of the 3 brothers drunk hitting the same tree. I gotta tell you, I would have done something spiteful over giving away Oliver Kitty. That was a low blow. I have to ask, has she showed up or in a dream after her death? ................ Stiches, its like your TV's on but it's on mute. You could see your friend, and other spirits, but either they can't talk to you or the message of their thoughts can't project through. I wonder why?
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10-01-2015, 02:55 PM (This post was last modified: 10-01-2015 03:19 PM by Stitches.)
Post: #37
RE: I know this is crazy but...
Well a couple spirits have made noises, one of them made this whispering noise, but it was incomprehensible (this could have been because her[?] mouth had loose little stitches on it, like it was sewn shut a long time ago and finally got looser), and another spoke rather clearly, but it told me that it wasn't speaking in English, even though I heard it that way. It could be that my friends simply weren't old enough spirits to know how to talk? or maybe they just had nothing to say, that particular friend that started popping up knew about what I could do so perhaps he just wanted to see if it was real? He never sticked around longer than a few seconds, I got the feeling he didn't want me to know that he was looking at me, why would he avoid my gaze otherwise? Seeing him again brought back his loss, which was not a good feeling for me, I almost wished I couldn't see him, but I suppose I'm glad he was still in one piece..relatively speaking I suppose.

Luminary, I was a pretty quiet kid, but I was born naturally pretty strong too, so even though I had bullies, they were afraid of me at the same time, so they might throw some names out or chuckle at some clumsy thing I did, they couldn't threaten me physically. I've only really had physical fights with my parents and my brother because of this, but I suppose it was good I was born strong and worked hard outside because when you're young and you have to fight two adults, it normally doesn't out well if you're not ready for it. I never really protected other kids, but it's probably because I didn't see anyone else get bullied, and its not as if it was a small school, It just never happened around me I guess, unless it was to me. I understand why you'd more likely cry for your pets than your family members, because I am like that too, I just sorta get numb and try to take care of everyone else when I know they're hurting, then I deal with my emotions alone, maybe its just more personal to me when its my pet dying, so I don't have to care for anyone else initially, but I feel like it hurts more, I don't cry normally though, tears fall, but that's about it, rather anti-climatic perhaps, I wouldn't make a very good actor. People online say that I'm one of the nicest people they know, always optimistic and chipper, but in real life people tend to stay away, even when I'm having a good day so I cant really say if any energies I have are particularly balanced, but I feel happy so I suppose that's enough for me!
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10-01-2015, 07:22 PM
Post: #38
RE: I know this is crazy but...
Blaze,
4 not 3, when I said they it included my Mothers ex husband.
That family was quite brilliant the brothers had a game of "Roping" stop signs from a moving pick up truck, to play you stood in the truck bed and throw a chain{which they tied onto the trucks bumper-important to mind} around the chain as you pass, the force of the moving truck rips it out. So one of the times they did this my Mothers ex Husband was standing one foot in the truck bed, one on the bumper, he roped the sign and the chain pulled tight and surprise off came the bumper and my Mothers ex went with it. Apparently the township was tired of signs getting stolen so they started pouring a good portion of cement to secure the bases of new signs. This happened before she married him.....what a catch.

Due to filters here I really can't express what went down in the fight between my mother and I the day she took Oliver from me but let's just say I called her quite a few things, including what many deem the worst insult you can call a woman. Basic gist should she ever touch my cat or me again I would call CPS and make sure they knew all her dirty details and took my niece away. And that in every way and with every breath I would destroy her and everything she valued. She feared my words and actions enough that from that point forward she feared me enough to only be verbal and take pot shots occasionally.

Stitch,
There wasn't much too me as a kid, the strength I speak of comes from my will and scrappy/dirty fighting methods. Fight to win is what my father always said.
I didn't really protect them, I didn't fight for them. But the bullies whos teeth I knocked in avoided me like the plague, so there was a safety space around me. Strength is key in a fight but so is determination. One kid pushed me down a half flight of steps, I got up and went right after him. It took 4 Adults to pull me off the kid, we were in 3rd grade.
Balance took me a while, I still have a fiery/fierce spirit but I use it in more productive ways then kicking the crap out of others{usually}.
Though I can be abrasive{I tell it like I see it, not bending the truth} people find me very nice and even today at a store I ran into a coworker who had her adult daughter with her. The daughter was very happy to see me told me she heard alot about me. I jokingly said hopefully good. At which my coworker said "of course", and turned to her daughter to say "She{me} has a very good heart". These are things I am often told by people who come to know me.

I do know I have some sort of magnetism. People find me easy to speak with, I have many times ended up in a random conversation with a stranger where I am asked serious advice/favors regarding their life. One person I met looking for tracing paper in a walmart and ended up being asked{in that conversation} to serve as high priestess for their handfasting{they were new to the area and couldn't find anyone, it was a Hallows wedding and no one was available}. Or a newer coworker started in about how she was having a problem with a male friend who was troubled by demons{like 3 minutes into the conversation she dropped into it}. I don't mention my religious choices at work. I do wear clothing sporting zombies, comic book heros, and random movie quotes. But I also wear ridiculous hats at times for my own amusement. So yes I am vibrant and weird but I have no idea what makes so many feel they can take me as a confidant so quickly. Other then to say its part of my charm, or the universe sending me those it thinks I can help.

"Studies Show...Intelligent girls are more depressed, because they know what the world is really like.....She knows in society she's either a Devil or an Angel with no in between. She speaks in the third person, so that she can forget that she's me." ~Emily Autumn
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10-02-2015, 03:09 AM
Post: #39
RE: I know this is crazy but...
I have a tendency to dress a little odd too, long or calf-length skirts and dresses with covers things like that, I like wearing them because they are comfy and downplayed (or so I think). However, I've heard at least a few comments saying that I looked like a witch with my long curly hair, or that my clothes actually made me stand up because they're more formal than everyone else, I guess I could care less on that. People don't approach me in real life, however, people that I've only met on one occasion or so will suddenly come back and drop their darkest secrets on me, or suddenly say they're suicidal and then well.. I cant just leave them like that of course, so I help them out. I would suppose that I was rather determined as a kid, otherwise its rather unnatural for a little girl of 7 to be picking up her overweight father, so I wouldn't say that it was only strength that kept them away, not that I needed it anyway. you help people with demons too? that's very odd, though what really isn't these days, I'm currently watching one buuut he seems.. oddly benign, especially compared to the one my friend messed with, you know I'm still mad at him for that.
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10-02-2015, 06:47 PM
Post: #40
RE: I know this is crazy but...
You sound like you dress relatively normal, but when I said hats. Im talking of my 3 corner pirate hat{my favorite}, princess hat{tall cone with streamer from the top, pretty much clearance Halloween and Holiday hats-like really not anything people normally wear. Current haircut is 80s Glam Rock{a very severe reverse bob, like 2 inches at the back of my head but 18-20 inches in the front. The back is also stacked it fluffs up super crazy but cool looking.
I wasn't saying you were not determined, Im just saying I didn't have physical strength on my side like you did.

My coworker said Demons, I am less on labels. I usually just break down as positive, negative and neutral entities. I keep my energy low/contained unless it is needed.I only saw them clearly once they tried to scare me after I did a tarot reading, then I released my energy and they left real quick. They kept on my perimeter a few days after still trying to make me fearful but keeping out of range for me to do much. They are dark and twisted, but they were once human despite what they look like now. They are negative, but more then anything I felt sadness from them. Not all "Demons" were human, not all non human things are "Demons" at least not to me.
I was unable to help the person who actually has the "demon" problem, they refused help. I can't help those who refuse to help themselves. I was able to help my coworker break away from her friend and the entities as they were feeding on her energy too. It took some time because her friend had a magnetic pull on her that was caused by the entities. Im still working on a end game to deal with the friends entities as they have several people they feed on. There are a few people I have been working with on the issue, as it is more than I can fix of something so rooted, well fed and wanted.

Blaze,
I forgot to answer, I had a few dreams of my mother after death, but they were just replayed memories my brain sorting the news is my guess. With Bridgets death originally it was terrible. I would dream her death was a mistake and she was still with me physically. Waking up was like she died again. I still dream of her and I catch sight of her spirit now and then. She is with me, but not how I want.

"Studies Show...Intelligent girls are more depressed, because they know what the world is really like.....She knows in society she's either a Devil or an Angel with no in between. She speaks in the third person, so that she can forget that she's me." ~Emily Autumn
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